Beauty for Ashes
- Mary N. Squire
- Mar 1, 2020
- 2 min read
Most days, I hardly looked at myself in the mirror. Applying my makeup as I had for more than 40 years, I almost didn't need to see what I was doing to get it right. And normally, I would do my hair next. But not today.
Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do this. I'm going to be okay. I will be whole, and complete, and joyful, and beautiful, and purposeful, and okay, without...
...my HAIR...a part of me that had always been there. It happened. It wasn't what I wanted, and it didn't seem fair. As a matter of fact, it hurt. It broke my heart. And it was permanent. Gone. Passed. It was...past tense...over. Hope, help, medicine and miracles all had their chance, but nothing, not even God, stopped it from happening.
And it was never going to change. So... I had to... (change)... if I wanted to be okay. I had to - no, I chose to - inhale, exhale, pray, and release what I could no longer hold on to.
Hard times, loss, disappointments and heartbreak. We all go through them. The death of a loved one; a divorce; a financial setback, or releasing someone to work through an addiction without enabling them anymore. We have to change, and accept change -- even if it's not a change we welcome -- IF we want to be okay again.
Okay. Okay. I prayed, and looked into my mirror, smiling and choking back my tears as God collected them in His bottle. 'You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.' (Psalm 56:8) He showed me the beauty He had always seen in me...beneath the surface, beyond my loss.
Beyond my loss, The loss of my hair, the loss of my marriage, the loss of some parts of my past... I discovered less of me and more of Him. There, on the other side of my grief, He crowned me with strength, courage, abundant life, rebirth, purpose, and beauty (for ashes) (Isaiah 61:3) that I could never have imagined.
I was more than okay. For the first time in 20+ years, I stood in an open, fully-lit room, embracing my alopecia (hair loss) and smooth, bald head. My 'crowning glory' was infinite through the eyes of the Spirit. Beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for the garment of heaviness.
Give thanks in all things. Lord, I thank your for working ALL things -- even losses - together for my good.(Romans 8:28) Even when I can't feel it yet, I trust you more than I do my own grief, expectations, and emotions.
Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14